A happy marriage cannot be guaranteed just by following the rules and doing nothing wrong. Two people still have an important lesson to learn, which is how to deal with the conflicts between them.

Therefore, it is very important to understand these seven rules of "The Art of Quarreling between Couples".

1. It is difficult to avoid quarreling between husband and wife. It should be treated as normal and not to be alarmed.

Husbands and wives are not only different in gender, but also in character, thinking and habits. When they are in love, they still have the opportunity to hide from each other. But when they are married, they get along day and night, interacting frequently, and conflicts, be they big or small, are unavoidable. When faced with these conflicts, it is a mistake to make a fuss, thinking that if there is a dispute, it means that two people are not suitable to be together.

Conversely, if you think that a happy marriage is when two people never quarrel, and henceforth in case of conflicts one has to be extremely tolerant and compromise in every possible way in order to maintain a seemingly peaceful state, this is an abnormal phenomenon.

In fact, couples should view quarrels in a positive light. Couples who "know" how to quarrel (that is, people who know the principle of quarreling), will have better and better relationship, and the number of quarrels will be less and less.

2. Quarrel is a matter of "perspective", not "right and wrong"

The main reason for couples to quarrel is to think that there must be only one answer to the matter. The basic mentality of a quarrel is, "I must be right about this, and my partner must be wrong." When two people think in the same way, fights are endless.

In fact, there is often no fixed answers to family disputes or disputes between couples. They are purely matters of perspective, not questions of right and wrong.

In the process of arguing, people who "know" how to quarrel would try their best to understand the true meaning of the other party, and bridge the gap between the two.

People who "don't know" how to quarrel would try their best to refute each other in the process of arguing. As long as they prove their "correctness", they will hurt one another.

3. Husbands and wives should appeal to "feeling" and not to "reason" in the process of disputes.

Generally, quarrels are characterized by contention. So they desperately seize the opponent's wordings, find out the defects of the opponent's logic, and concentrate their firepower to attack them, until the opponent has no ground to fight. The problem is that in the process of "contention", you often hurt the "feeling", and winning the argument often ruins the relationship. Disputes between husband and wife should be handled with "relationship", which is far more constructive than quarrels with analysis and debate.

4. Never quarrel in front of a third party

In order to prove that he is right, the disputer often likes to complain to an outsider, hoping that others will support him/her. In order to gain more sympathy, it is necessary to constantly mention the spouse's faults. This habit of accusing a spouse in front of a third party is extremely destructive to the relationship between husband and wife. Couples must try their best to avoid it, otherwise the victim will be themselves.

People who "know" how to quarrel only hope to deal with the conflicts face-to-face, and do not want to quarrel in front of parents, friends, and colleagues. In this way, emotional recovery between the two can be much easier.

5. Never win

No matter who wins or loses in a quarrel between couples, in fact there is no winner. Both sides are losers. When you have to quarrel, the people who "know" how to quarrel would at most stop when getting to the point, and never want to win.

A few years ago, there was a study in the United States on abused wives. It was found that the common feature of beaten wives was that they always won in the quarrels with their husbands. And since the men could not gain a sense of superiority in words, they appeal to their fists. It can be seen that winning a fight not only has no substantial benefits, but may also ask for severe beatings.

People who "know" how to quarrel would leave room for each other, so that the other party can have a way to step down. But people who don't know how to quarrel always want to push the others to the edge.

6. Describe the facts, and not the feelings.

There must be a reason for the quarrel.

People who "know" how to quarrel will focus on the description of the matter during the quarrel, so that the other party knows their situation and needs. People who "don't know" how to quarrel like to exaggerate their anger, so they often use the most extreme adjectives to spur up the opponent.

For example, a housewife with four young kids has no time to do housework, and the home becomes messy. If the husband knows how to "quarrel", he might as well describe the problem in saying, "Madam, you must be so busy that you don't even have a clean bowl at home!" When the wife hears this, she may feel guilty and wash the dishes quickly.

If a husband doesn't know how to quarrel, he may say, "You lazy and sloppy woman, you are as dirty as a pig..." Then a family war is inevitable.

7. The one who admits defeat first is the brave one

Since quarrels are conflicts caused by different perspectives, mature people will try their best to avoid them. And the best way to avoid a fight is to admit that the other person's opinion may be better than yours. This kind of response requires people with enough self-confidence and maturity to make it, but it is worth learning for everyone.

Concession to your spouse is definitely not a loss, but a gain. When your spouse are making concessions first, you must not say, "I have said that you were wrong before you admit it!" On the contrary, you should give your spouse more encouragement and respect. And in the next quarrel, your spouse will be more willing to make concession first.

The Art of Quarreling between Couples