Defensive behaviours and supportive behaviours

The more defensive behaviours A has, the more defensive and self-protective B would become. (Vicious circle)

Conversely, the more supportive behaviours A has, the more open B would become. (Virtuous circle)

1. Evaluation vs. Description
• Evaluations: 'You' messages
o E.g. 'You're wrong', 'You're stupid', 'You're lazy'
• Descriptions: 'I' messages
o E.g. 'I'm very surprised', 'I don't know if I could help?'

2. Control vs. Problem Orientation
• Control: 'I know what to do. Just follow me.'
• Orientation: The two parties would orient in the essence of the problem to discuss and share mutually
o Would not force either party to compromise for the other party's established thoughts or decisions
o Would aim for a win-win situation

3. Strategy vs. Spontaneity
• Strategy: leading the other person to fall into a pre-set
o E.g. Complaints after compliments, demands after gifts
• Spontaneity: sincerity
o Expressing from the bottom of the heart with true feelings, without extra thoughts or polish that lead to better responses
o Only to describe facts genuinely when raising requests
o 'Even though I don't like the things he/she says, at least what they say are truths.'

4. Centrality vs. Empathy
• Centrality: staying emotionally neutral towards other people's circumstances and feeling. This would make others feel that you are indifferent, and would start being defensive in order to maintain their self-esteem.
o The cruellest way of treating people is not to hate them, but to ignore them.
• Empathy: Putting yourself in others' shoes; think from their position to resonate with them; expressing your understanding of and acceptance to their feelings

5. Superiority vs. Equality
• Superiority: Regarding others as worse than themselves
o Not wanting to receive any contributions or help from others
o This would threaten their self-esteem and self-value, causing defence
o E.g. Parents towards children, pastors towards church members, bosses towards workers
• Equality: making others feel respected with natural and mutual communications

6. Certainty vs. Provisionalism
• Certainty: insisting our own opinions to be right
o People who are subjective and autocratic
o They know it all; they don't need other knowledge
o Autocrats are more interested in winning debates rather than solving problems
 Possibly because of defending their self-esteem and authority or, it might also be caused by the inferiority deep down
o This would cause backlash from others who look for these autocrats' wrongdoings, creating an oppositional relation and obstruct communications
• Provisionalism: open-mindedly learn about different perspectives to accept new information and ideas
o Will not cause defence but will advance communications

Personal Relationship 6