De-stressing

In order to cope with failures and to reduce anxiety in our life experiences, we learn and make certain adaptations. These adaptations are protective and defensive in principle; such defensive acts are basically self-deceptive as we create a false impression to deceive others and ourselves. We gradually become convinced that we are like this. We admit that this is the 'self' we do not like, which easily causes anxiety especially in environments where we were hurt. Therefore, we tend to convince ourselves that we really identify with the false defensive impression we present to others.

The self-defence system

Below are some common defensive acts for your reflection, so that you may reduce using them and respond more positively to become a better communicator.

Justifications
• Find reasons to explain your own acts
• In the end, I'm not wrong
• I have a good reason (but it's not the true reason)

Lies
• In order for others to create a good impression to yourself
• In order to please others
• In order to maintain politeness (e.g. being agreeable to others)
• Hypocritical (pretend to be enthusiastic)

Projections
• Through projections, we transfer the shortcomings we dislike to others in order to protect ourselves and justify our actions
• We acknowledge our selfishness, laziness and lack of responsibility etc, but we criticise others for being selfish, lazy and irresponsible
• As we transfer the blame to someone else, we 'escape' easily

Reverse actions
• When actions are opposite to the motives behind
• Befriend with those whom they find to be unpleasant, in order to cover the guilt and anxiety caused by their feelings
• Those who have low self-esteem tend to cover their lack of confidence by being prideful, in order to maintain their self-esteem

Agreeableness
• When the person fails to gain any satisfaction in real world, they would imitate successful people to release their stress
• When the person do not have any commendable achievements, they might relate themselves with someone else who is successful

Fantasies
• The world is imperfect; ideals are often unachievable
• When we get hurt, we hide into our fantasised world to seek satisfaction in order to make ourselves feel better
• Daydreaming
• Poor people would imagine themselves as billionaires
• People with poor relationship would imagine themselves as being popular among everyone
• Running away from the problems, preventing the problems to be solved, ultimately losing the ability of problem solving

Compensation
• Compensating failures by successes
• When we fail on homework, we turn to practising sports
• When we fail in our families, we turn to our career – replacing the futility in family

Transfer of emotions
• We transfer our goal to somewhere else when we are under pressure
• When a worker is displeased by their boss but he doesn't dare to confront the boss, he transfers his anger towards his wife and children.
• When a daughter does not have good relationship with her father, she might transfer her affection towards her teachers or classmates.

Defence hinders communications

 Developing habitual defensive acts to avoid embarrassment
 Losing the opportunities to change
 Slowly convincing oneself that 'I am the one whom I pretend to be', developing a false self-image
 Preventing sincere communications
 Causing others to feel that they are deceived by you
 Communicating the wrong messages which cause misunderstandings
 Defensive projections might cause others to feel that they are criticised
 Destroying your relationships with others

Personal Relationship 5